Do I Know You?

Ah, the process of applying for a student loan, so frustrating. Yes, i must apply, line of credit has too much interest. The thing is, i have to apply as common law, which takes D's income and assets and puts it towards the expected contribution to my educational costs. He is expected to pay a part of my school stuff. I am going to see if the fact that he pays all the rent and household bills, besides my phone, makes any difference whatsover. Bleh, enough of that...but they have to realize that we live barely paycheck to paycheck, and have no money, c'mon people.

So, i get to go see D21C, awful name, tonight, courtesy of Amie (thanks!) which should be interesting. What should I wear?

This is what happens when I forget to bring a book to work to read at lunch, I come one here and ramble about pointless shit that no one would care about. That is because I refuse to put anything else in here...I don't even keep a journal at home, because the next month or so I would read it and tear it up. Too afraid to have my important thoughts or words exist somewhere outside of my head, but I don't know why. I like chocolate pudding.

I want to go to sleep, with a warm blanket...how many hours left? well, once lunch is over...3! Oh, and I can stretch out my work, and take my sweet ass time. yep.

I think I shall go outside and have a smoke...and also see what the temperature is like, I forgot to bring shorts to walk home in just in case it is hot. I am frickin freezing.

i haven't been on here in a long long time. that is what happens when a person does not have internet at home. i am a very bad employee. i wasted much of my day today, making a budget and random lists of things that are unimportant. i like making lists. tired and cranky, worked last night for 4 hours without pay, just cause i am nice and i like the people i work with, and i was bribed with pizza. now, after i am done work today at 4, i get to walk to my other job and work till 9:30. $$.
the other day i was very mad at the grocery store because all the lettuce was crappy. then i thought, at least i have a grocery store, the option of buying lettuce, money to buy the lettuce, a fridge to put the lettuce in, and a roof over the fridge. i felt guilty. at work sometimes the air conditioner doesn't work properly. it never gets to hot, but listening to some of the people discuss the broken air conditioner is maddening. so concerned, because it isn't right that they should have to sit in front of their computers and be slightly uncomfortable, just a little too warm. Somebody should call the maintenance guy, because they are being robbed of thier right to sit in cool, recycled air. they were really angry, and acting as if they were victims. Stood around talking about it for 20 minutes. i shouldn't say anything about that though, i am no better.
my love made me my lunch today, because i had no time. as i eat it, i think of him. all i see out my window is green tree tops...nice.

little pills fool you
my fault though
an effect is felt quickly
you think it's all better
should have known better
takes 2 months to get settled in system
takes 3 days if icky depression for you to realize that
all the crazy excitability is gone though
just the sadness left
and some moments of tingly sensory overload
at least it's not completely like before
3 days sets you back a week or 2
when will this end
apparently never
on pills for the rest of my life you say
at first it was only going to be for a while
how can you decide this in 45 minutes?
i don'y mind taking them if i feel better
all i want is to feel like myself 2 years ago
that was better

i want to go home, derek please hurry and pick me up. i want to cry, i want to stop feeling like this, i feel like i am going to suddenly start screamming and running around flailing my arms, or throw up. all i can do is make a low whine in my throat. ppl looked at me. thats it, look away. oh for fucks sake, something just make me die.

Amie my dear...you don't know how to build a quinzee!? well, neither did i until this year...here are some steps, thanks to derek's boy scouts and pathfinders experience (nerd)

1. shovel as much snow as you can into one huge pile in the middle of your yard.

2. let that sit and simmer for 1 to 2 hours.

3. make sure it is nice and stable and firm. then shovel or dig (digging with hands would be best) a hole in one side of the pile of snow. make it big enough that you can sit inside. ta da! a quinzee. ok, i still have my reservations about them because of this fear that i have that it will collpase on me, but derek assures me that if done properly, it is safe.

4. now sit inside and be proud of you accomplishment. this is best done with a thermos of hot chocolate and a cheers to yourself. :)

i do not like being without internet. i do not like taking a pill a nite, but, it helps me to feel better, without being void of emotion. i do not like the way pot makes me feel anymore. but, i do not like not smoking it (double negative). i feel much better though, all the time. that is why i am, i guess, happier about not smoking it. i just feel that i am missing out on something, but i am not. silly. obviously something is working. maybe it is my attitude now. whatever it is, it is working. i have to pick up my prescription tonight. good thing i have insurance, so it is cheap. i am sure that because of my lifestyle changes that is the reason why i am able to do clinical again. i am not having to go to the bathroom to cry every 1/2 hour. i am more confident in my ability to give care. i still have my episodes (at home)where i don't know if what just happened was real, and where i hear crazy stuff that is similar to a wave of information/inner voices/thoughts. it is quieter now. that craziness only happens when i smoke the doobie, or a little bit the next day. it only happens when i allow it to happen. crazy shit. i still hate myelf, but it is not an overriding thought to die. quite the accomplishment. school will kill me before anything else. i get to go to the metal show on friday, and then, groan, a social on saturday that i cannot afford, nor drink at because of school early on sunday. overloaded with very difficult stuff. aarrgh.

Amie and Krysta left...i worked all weekend and on monday i went out to the country and so i never got to see them. then i wake up this morning and there is a message on my machine inviting me over to amie's. i was asleep @ 930, and this message was @ 1030. nuts. i want to stop working...i work all the time, then i will be done one job on aug 27, but the other one keeps going throughout the school year. i think i will get about a week break before school starts, and it will be spent running around buying textbooks and such. thats ok. D put a jesus sticker on the computer. i found them at the dollar store....they are sparkly.

i didn't go to work today...my stomache really does hurt, bad cramps, but i just couldn't handle being around ppl today. i knew that my thoughts would overwhelm me at work and i would end going to the bathroom to cry or sit at my computer fighting tears. so i stayed home and was able to cry whenever i want. yes, pretty pathetic. i would like my mind to shutup so i can enjoy myself. i can't go anywhere or do anything with anyone besides D because i will hate myself for something i said or did the next day. it could be a conversation me and some ppl are having, and everyone is talking, but i will pick it apart and make myself feel sooo stupid. it doen't even matter if the conversation, or whatever, takes place when i am drunk or not. i hate everything i do when i am sober now too. then i have to sush myself and talk myself into thinking about dumb happy things like puppies or weddings or something, and i am whispering these words to myself, out loud. people must think i am a nut. maybe i am? i don't really care though, i just want it to stop. i don't want to go out anymore because i know that it will give me a months worth of shit to think about and make me upset. the thing is, i can't make myself stop talking...i could be sitting there thinking shut up shut up, but no, i keep going. it is becoming a big problem. arrgh. maybe i should eat something today, and shower...that might help me feel better. something just kill me.

went out last nite with the girls, drinking. was fun, but i really hope i don't start thinking about the whole nite and picking it apart until i find something that makes me feel stupid and want to die. that always ruins a good memory. maybe thats why i have a hard time having fun, cause i always know i am going to regret something i said or did, for no particular reason. clean the apartment for D....sounds like a good idea. think happy thoughts, if you keep telling yourself to think happy thoughts instead of the bad ones, the day goes by ok. just can't think about the bad ones for to long, or there is never turning back. ok D, you can come home now.

new internet, exciting. D is gone for the whole weekend, what am i to do? well, hopefully fringe with amie...yay....never been before. should be interesting. i have to get get my car from work, i forgot i drove and i took the bus home. stupid.

we had a kitten for a while, her name was Ohio. we were kitten sitting for my friend while her allergy medicne took effect, and i did not think i would get attatched (i have never had a kitten before) but i did, but escpecially derek got attatched. i wish my dad wasn't allergic, so he could have a kitten. i don't mind all this snow, it will melt, and it looked beautiful when it first fell, but i did have a huge block fall right on my head. i was on my way to work, just left my building and rounded the corner, bottle of cranberry juice in hand, when all of a sudden something big, heavy and wet falls on my head. with a squawk of suprise i got knocked to the ground, in some slushy soup, and my juice shatters on the cement. then in homer simpson style i shook my fist at the building and swore at it. the ppl around must have thought i was crazy. so, wet and cold i continued my walk to work, but i bought myslef a latte and felt better. i have problems with things falling on my head...i have been pooped on by birds twice...i would rather have snow. i don't work today, first day off in a while. hhmm, what shall i do? drop of film, some rolls still from christmas, buy some stuff that is on sale at claires...no making fun, there in a little purse there that is now super cheap, i have it on hold, but it says something very lame on the front, and i have a variety of pathces, some from d's scouts and some others, and i am going to sew them on and cover it. it will look neat. i hope. i need fish food and aspen shavings for the pigs, uh oh, i think i should go to walmart, it has the cheapest shavings and photo developing, and well priced fish food. awwww, all 3 piggies are lying on their sides, sleeping....soo sweet. well, i now have a valid licence, this is good. the only reason i got it was cause a freind is having her birthday thing at the palimino, what is it and these girls and going to the pal? anyhoo, they would not let me in for the last birthday thing, so i paid for my licence. i sure hope the fuckers accept the temporary licence paper, i could picture them too stupid to comprehend that it is a perfectly legal, valid licence, but the green one gets sent in the mail in 60 days. i hope they don't rip it up. i am going to have to stick up for myslef if they are being jerks, instead of almost crying. but i cry so easily. did you know that the dead sea scrolls, the stuff that the movie stigmata was kinda based on, "pick up a rock and i'll be there" kinda thing, they have nothing to do with jesus, they are basically the old testament, like moses and abraham. so, that makes the premise for stigmata bunk, because they were mixing the old testament info with the crucifiction (i can't spell) of jesus. ok, i don't really understand it completely, but i think i have it right. D was "researching" last nite while i was at work and told me all about it. now he is going to prove some ppl he knows wrong. such fun. i guess i should get going and run my errands soon, and avoid folding the 4 loads of laundry that is on the bedroom floor, i ran out of time yesterday. i am soo happy that the computer has not shutdown on its own yet...woohoo. k, ta fer now.

la la la.....i want to look out the window and see all green, and maybe some flowers, right now! nope, still murky brown. i get paid on friday, oh dear i hope it is as much as i think it will be....wee. i am working every day this week at claires except for today and saturday...thats pretty good, and they are ok with me working full time may 17 till the end of the summer, sweet, i can keep my easy claires job all summer and during school. i would like to get out more...me and d went walking on saturday, in all of the lovely wind, and we took pictures in black and white of the cemetary in st.b, mostly of jesus and mary, and then we went to the exchange and took pics of old buildings and such. we had also gone to rona revy and got some sweet pea, black eyed susan and tomatoe seeds, even though it is a bit late for planting tomatoes by seed, oh well. we had ourselves a nice little day. then we saw kill bill 2, and i just don't know what to say about it, i just don't know. we did miss the first 20 min, while we sat outside the theatre, thinking it started at 4:15, and wondering where all the ppl were. finally i checked and realized that it started at 3:45. we are smart. have to work at the stupid ox tonite, go all the way to rrc, poo. hey!! i have money there from working the last kegger, probably 60$. well then, i must retrieve my earnings. i think i spend too much time in the apartment by myself....and too much time walking and on the bus by myself. bitch bitch bitch, stupid bitch. amie, if you are reading this, i really want to borrow the last sword of truth book soon....i am reading other fantasy books, and they are good in their own right, but not as good and i can't stop thinking about richard and kahlan and what is going on with them. damn, i am a loser. i already knew that. its funny that it seems that the majority of fantasy all have the basic principles of a fantasy novel, more or less in the same fashion of lord of the rings. i am not saying that everyone copied, but was lotr the first big book of it's kind? i think so, and just like all different styles of writings, there are the basics. like murder/mysteries....they all have similar guidlines that they work with...good guy, bad guy, sometimes a cop, and a love story. hey, alot of books are like that, where am i going with this? oh, i don't know, fuck, now i lost my train of thought. hhmmm...i like fantasy novels.

this job really does consume my life, but i have come to terms with that...it is over in 2 wks anyways.
i just wish some of these students would call back, i know it is exam period, you are not the only one...it takes 5 minutes at the most. bleh.
i get to go do a bit of shopping with amie today, woo hoo, haven't seen her in ages it seems. yay. hhmmm...what is new, oh yeah, my cousin who currently is having a problem with cocaine has found out she has cervical cancer, how nice. her dad died of brain cancer a few years back. great news...she is still going in for testing, i guess that it could be worse, it is not the big bad ovarian cancer.
i am getting hired at my usual summer job 2 months earlier than usual, and i have gotten a raise, $13.91/hour. sweet deal. i am for sure gonna be able to go to school in september. no doubt about it. i just wonder how my boss at claires is gonna react... she expected me to start there in july, not may....meh, if they let me go, they let me go. it's amusing working there though.
i have to take a bus down to step again today, as usual, so i should get my ass in gear and shower and be on my way....files to work on, blah blah blah.... oh i am such a stupid weiner, always complaining....it pays good, shut the hell up.

i have finally caught up on student files for job interviews...so, i get to go online, such fun. peices of april is a very good movie, made me cry, just a little. yep, i want summer. we moved the mice onto the balcony so they can have fresh air and not be so stinky, and so they can have thier wheel in their cage all nite, yay for them. fuck. i get a free breakfast tomorrow, dad is taking me out. i think i am going to get him to bring me a bike so i can stop spending money on the stupid bus. i want to ride a bike. i am scared of the roads though, i think i shall ride on the sidewalk, nice and slow. i haven't hung out with dad in a few weeks, every time i come out to the country he is on the road (truck driver) and when he is home i have to work. it sucks. i like it when we hang out during the day though, but i have to work at claires at 1 so i am not going to have much time to work on interview files, just in the evening i guess. i am pretty caught up so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. i am happy that i will be able to pay rent on my own next month, and i put in money for groceries this week too. yay for 4 jobs! and i might start my student aid job a couple months earlier than usual this year, which is awesome, dudes. D has been talking about buying a house, but we need 5000 for a down payment. he figured it out, if we bought a 90,000$ house, with interest and taxes the monthly payments would be around 600$, we pay 800$ for a stupid apartment that will never be ours, what the fuck are we doing? plus a house is an investement, according to D. meh, we just don't want to live in the city forever, one day we want to build our very own house in the country....with enough room for horses and some lammas...thats just me though. but i have to grow up and finish school first. hungry, time to eat leftovers.

i hate myself. i feel like i am going to throw up. why don't you die already? i hate you. shut up. die. can i die now?

well, i have gotten drunk twice in the past five days. that is much more than usual for me. good social on saturday. out in marquette manitoba, good stuff. there was alot more ppl there than i expected as well. many were under 18 but thats ok, some were freinds of my brother. hey, they all paid to get in and paid to buy booze. nice gathering at ambers after, got drunk and went to bed at around 0630, then i got up at 11, cause it was easter dinner at grandmas at 12! so tired and i think stil kinda drunk. D ended up not going, he was too sick. it was funny though cause when i got to grammas, my cousin fawn wasn't there either due to a hangover, but her boyfreind was, to tell everyone about how sick she was. he's a nice guy, i recognize him alot, and he figures its from baseball when we were younger, but i don't remember him from baseball, strange. who cares. saw a girl that i used to be freinds with in elementary/highschool. haven't seen her for around 2 years or so. it was nice to see her. and i am glad it was at a social in those circumstances than passing thru a mall or somewhere where the first meeting in a while may have been awkward. we got some free candy from a freind, that was a yummy treat. i am still tired, but i should wake up and clean and get ready for probably my last day at work for the year. hopefully they rehire me next winter, it is a sweet job. i like it when D is cuddly and sweet, he has been for the past few days...ever since friday, that was not a good day (hehe). i am a moron. anyways, i want some snuggles right now. suck it up stupid. ok, just getting negative here, should go now, do something productive, yes.

i got drunk last night, to the expense of amie and krysta. i am such an asshead when i am drunk. talking to loud and about innapropriate things. i learned some new things though, very important things. *smiles to herself, thinking dirty thoughts* asshead. now i have a headache, not unexpected though. i saw someone i know who had a break up with a girl i know, a year ago. still not over it, and the first thing he says to me is something about her. all he wanted to talk about was her. and me being drunk, i talked like an asshead. i wonder how amie managed last nite, i realized this morning that i left her to fend for herself....should not have done that, i feel guilty, i'm sorry. isn't this a vague entry? hhmmm. i have to go to D's parents place tonite cause his mom called and asked us to come for dinner at their place, and i am assuming that his brothers and their girlfreinds are coming too. that means i have to miss krysta and will's house warming party. i wanted to go. it sucks to cause i have to work saturday @ 0700 so after dinner i am driving back into the city. then driving out again the next day, for a social. i might be coming home by myself tonite too case it is pointless for D to come with me back to the city. i don't like that idea, no one to snuggle in bed with and such. need water.

i feel good today. i am such a spastic nutball. i think i need to learn how to relax and calm myself. meh. i want to go and buy seeds right now, D infromed me that i am quite late in germinating and getting the plants i want growing. i want too many, more than half are herbs though. hhmm...should i buy half grown herbs or start from seeds? i think i want to start from seeds, because i am insane and want to start them when the moon is waxing and take care of them from babies and know them and their garden faeries well. i also want some snapdragons (madame butterfly), even though butterflies will not come up this high, pansies, hollyhocks, daisies (of course), dwarf pixies(yellow and pink), lily of the valley, morning glory (heavenly blue and white moonflower), black eyed susan (Thunbergia), sweet peas, hyacinth beans and honeysuckle. i want the climbers to grow on the railing and on the wall of the balcony. plus i want a pot of tiny tomatoes. do i want too much? yes. i just don't have the room, or the pots. i wanted to build wooden square planter boxes but i realized that when they are filled with dirt they would be extrememly heavy and it would suck to move them. also it would be nice to have a table and chairs out there so ppl could sit in the garden. i am getting too excited here. and altogether i want 17 types of herbs, but i will not go through them all. D left me a blank check because there was a problem with his check for rent. i have to go down there and make it out for however much they say. he is probably going to be charged 60$ because of the problem. his bag got stolen and a bunch of checks were in it, so he got the bank to cancel alot of his checks, and i guess the one he wrote for rent was one of the cancelled ones. maybe i should put some proper clothes on and brush my hair and go down there & take care of it before i forget.
i wonder if amie and krysta still want me to go out with them tonite? i guess i should call them and see what the plans are...i work until 11 pm, which sucks, but if they still want me to go, i will. meh, i guess it is time to start my day. i think i am going to take pictures of posie, ladybug and buttercup. yes, sounds good.

just got home from work and was feeling quite productive until i came home. by productive i mean that i felt like i actually did something during the day, instead of my usual wake up late, drink too much coffee, do my journal, and read erotica for the rest of the day. then with an hour left before D gets home i would shower and clean really fast so it looks like i did something. fuck. now what am i doing? as soon as i get home i go online and stuff. well, i won't sit here for too much longer, i have to.... i don't have anything to do. i think i am going to lie in bed and wait for him to come home and cheer me up. i don't work first thing in the morning tomorrow, but i am not going to let myself sleep in. i have to find 25$ to purchase a new swipe card for work, seeing that i lost my old one. i don't have 25$, but, i need the card because of the alarm system and cause i work the evening shift. i have gotten myself a 4th job, but it is only a 4 week term for evenings and weekends. decent money, and all i do is call students and set up interviews for them to get jobs. i really think i am going to go to bed. no, maybe if i make a nice supper i'll feel better. probably not, but i will try.

just handed in my client profile..HA HA...done. shit, i have to go back upstairs to make an evaluation appointment. this next week is going to be soo busy...tomorrow i work from 7 am until 9 pm at 2 different jobs with a 1 hour break for the bus ride in betwwen. woo hoo. but hey, lots of $. and i work next monday for the government and it is considered a stat cause of easter sunday so i get time and a 1/2. cool dudes. dudes, he he, some guy called D a dude the other day at work..."hey dude, what the fuck is this?" he said, and D replied, "it's a fucking back order dude" and just stared at this pick up driver. made me laugh. well, i should get myself to claires and write my "tests". a joke but oh well, i am getting many more hours now and as soon as the girl who is leaving leaves, i will get more and promoted to 3rd key, which means i can open and close by myself and i get paid a touch more and am able to get bonus's if the store increases it's sales by a certain percent. hey, i am just trying to make myself feel good about this job. ttyl.

i want to die, not enough money for rent, again. $99.99 overdrawn. next paycheck is for phone, internet and visa bills, then i will be overdrawn again and won't have enough money for rent again. isn't this fun, and i can't get ahead, not even with 3 jobs. cleaning today, piggies cages and such, plus had job interview this morning at step services....a 4 week period where they need someone to come in every day and pick up files and then go home and call students about setting up interviews with various companies. sweet stuff, and 11.50 and hour, but i might not get it because of my 3 other jobs that happen to most often fall on evenings and weekends. i need this job, and the money, desperatly. c'mon income tax, be my friend. have to have my client profile done tomorrow, due on monday but i work all sunday, finally a shift longer than 4 hours. darcy is coming home with D tonite after work and they are going to gords to watch some ultimate fighting tournament, i am going after work. i wonder if i am supposed to make dinner tonite? i will have to call and see. as stated earlier, i want to die, or just stop, everything, stop...and then i can sleep for a really long time.